Josh-to-English Dictionary

I have a confession: I have no idea what kids are saying, like, 99% of the time. Even older kids. I pay attention and concentrate really hard, but usually I just wind up nodding and smiling and hoping I didn’t just give a kindergartner permission to cut her own bangs (don’t worry, that hasn’t happened yet).

The one child I do understand is my two-year-old son, Joshua. It takes a little bit of guessing sometimes, but usually I can figure out what he means. However, out of sympathy to those who suffer from my affliction and have no idea what he is talking about, I present to you the Official Josh-to-English Dictionary, Copyright 2015.

The Pain Olympics

We are all Olympians. We can’t all swim fast or ski over those bump things or remember the words to our national anthem, but there is an Olympian in all of us. The kind of Olympics we participate in are not the kind that you see every four years, though. These are the kind of Olympics that we participate in on a regular basis, daily or at least weekly for most of us. I am talking about the Pain Olympics.

I’ve written here before about my disdain for the One-Upper – that person in your life who just has to go one better when it comes to crazy stories or bad experiences. We all hate that person. But when it comes to the Pain Olympics, we all are that person.

The Post That Almost Was

Ever since I started writing this blog, I have been trying to think of interesting and/or hilarious things to write about. It isn’t easy, you know. I have to work really hard not to do any laundry or dishes so I can concentrate on being funny for you people. It’s my sacrifice for you.

Inevitably, the best ideas for blog posts come when I am either in the shower or about to fall asleep. When I’m in the shower, I usually just give it up. I don’t have any paper. Daniel gets mad when I write in Sharpie on the walls. If I write it in soap it washes away and I get sad. So those have to go. I just convince myself that whatever idea I have isn’t funny. 

If I think of something to write about as I’m falling asleep, I desperately try to remember it. I’ll even write the post out in my head in an attempt to remember it. I will stay awake for an hour trying to think of as many details as possible so I don’t forget my idea. 

You’d think I would use all that time to go get a pen and write it down. But my bed is really comfy. 

A lot of times I remember the ideas I have right before I go to bed. Unfortunately, I am not the most coherent person when I am sleepy. I can’t even say words correctly. Ask BFF Jen. When I get tired I make as much sense as a drunken ferret with marbles in its mouth. So a lot of my ideas aren’t exactly blog-worthy. 

Last night’s idea was no exception. I am still wondering why I thought this was going to be a good idea – and a really good idea, at that. I was really excited. Way too excited. Wanna hear? Sure you do. 

I was going to write a post about my eyebrows. 

Yes. 

These bad boys right here:

See, I am very particular about my eyebrows. Actually, I am very particular about everyone’s eyebrows. I don’t really keep mine groomed in any special way. But I can. not. stand it. when eyebrow hair is brushed the wrong way. Or whatever you do to eyebrows to make them do this:

I can’t take it, people. Daniel – who, by the way, has magnificent eyebrows – likes to make his eyebrows look all crazy and follow me around until I am forced to fix them. We have a weird relationship. 

Anyway, as I was lying in bed last night, I turned my head to get more comfy and I felt an eyebrow hair pop out of place. Just one. It sprang out of line like it had been waiting for me to make just such a move so it could finally free itself from the oppressive regime of my forehead. I stand for no such mutiny and immediately smoothed it back in place. Better luck next time, eyebrow hair. 

And it was then that I thought, this would make an awesome blog post. 

I know. I’m just as confused as you are. Why on earth would that make a good post? What else was there to tell? That was literally the whole story, in that tiny paragraph above. Not a lot of plot points left. 

I guess I could have embellished a little. Like if a giant grizzly bear came and messed up my eyebrows and then,  when I woke up, tried to eat me. That would make a good post. Or if someone moved just one eyebrow hair to taunt me and left a note threatening to come back and do it again if I didn’t leave $1,000,000,000 in unmarked bills at the QT in 12 hours. That would also make a good post. Although if that happened, I assume one of the conditions would be that I couldn’t tell anyone about it so I couldn’t write the post at all. 

But none of those things happened. My eyebrow got fresh with me. I nipped that business in the bud. And then I spent the next half hour mentally writing a hilarious post about unruly eyebrows. 

I think the NICU broke me. But I like it. And so does my unicorn. He also has nice eyebrows. 

Conversations that can only be had with your BF4L

BFF Jen and I argued about orphans and snow today. And, lucky you – I have captured the moments below for your viewing pleasure. To give it some context, I had just told Jen that I had accidentally spilled water on a book of poems Daniel wrote for me, ruining the first few pages. I tend to be “over-dramatic” and react “dangerously out of proportion to the situation” so I was very sad.

Aaaaand, cue convo:

Jenna: I know, that’s a bummer. But at least you still have it and now you have a good story to go along with it. Or you should make up a good story to go along with it.

Me:  The story of my sorrow.

Jenna:  Daniel was away on a trip for days and it was the first time you had been apart. And it was Christmas. And it was raining…it hadn’t turned to snow yet. You had gone out Christmas shopping alone and had taken the book of poems with you to have a little piece of him, and when you were coming back into the house, they fell into a puddle.

Me:  Awwwwwwww that’s sad, too.

Jenna:  Well yeah, it’s supposed to make everyone pity you in your sorrow.

Me: How about an orphan was in our house and knocked a cup of water onto my night stand. He gave us 6 million dollars to make up for it. And why would Daniel leave me on Christmas?? I don’t want him to. He never travels.

Jenna: Oh for the love. Fine, the kid knocked it over and gave you a bunch of cash.

Me:  I mean, what, is he going to leave me on VALENTINE’S day, too??

Jenna: Yes. And leave you with the orphan again.

Me:  I hate that orphan. He always wants to talk.

Jenna:  Shouldn’t have let him in the house.

Me:  He just walked in.

Jenna:  Well next time push him out.

Me:  It was raining! About to turn to snow! On CHRISTMAS.

Jenna:  You can’t mix stories!

Me:  I just did.

Jenna:  Well then that also means Daniel was still gone.

Me:  Nuh-uh! Aren’t you listening? He NEVER travels!

Jenna:  Yes huh, it’s my story.

Me:  It’s my poem book.

Jenna:  That you dropped in the puddle.

Me:  I DIDN’T DROP IT. THE ORPHAN SPILLED WATER ON IT.

Jenna:  Yeah, yeah.

Me:  I’m still sad.

Jenna:  Then I can’t help you.

Me:  Then I have nothing else to say.

Jenna:  yes huh. HEY IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY ONE WEEK FROM TODAY

Me:  YAY YAY YAY I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY YAY

Jenna:  Told ya. Bwahaha.

Me:  Aw, shoot. You win this round, Cooper. But I’ll be back.

Jenna:  HAAAAAAAAAA. Yesssss.

B. F. 4. L. 

Thanksgiving

Turkey Day was yesterday. Did you enjoy it? Did you have fun? Did you wave your hands in the air like you just didn’t care?

BFF Jen gets so excited about Thanksgiving that I always sniff her drink to make sure that is the only reason she’s excited. I, on the other hand, have never been one to get excited about Thanksgiving. Not that I don’t look forward to it – I love getting together with everyone. It’s just not something I get YAY YAY YAY IS IT THANKSGIVING YET excited about.

Except for this year. This year, I was so excited about Thanksgiving that I was literally counting down until the end of the day on Wednesday. I couldn’t decide why I was so excited. Maybe it was because I didn’t get to see my side of the family as much for Thanksgiving last year. Maybe it was because I hadn’t been to my grandparents’ in a while. Maybe it was because I knew my aunt would make brownies again – and that woman knows how to bake a brownie, let me tell you. 

But otherwise, Thanksgiving was the same as it had been every year. And then it hit me – maybe that was why I was so excited. Maybe I was just looking forward to relaxing and laughing with my family in the same way I have done since I was a baby. And because my family is awesome and I have never fully appreciated them before. 

I’ve said before (and stand by it) that my grandparents are better than yours.  It’s still true. My grandparents open their home to us every year. They are so excited about their two great-grandchildren and that is so fun to see. Just picture my Papaw leaning over 3-month-old Peyton and making kissy noises. Best visual ever and even better to see in real life.

And I love seeing my aunt and uncle and cousins. My cousin Allen wasn’t able to come this year, so we poured some cider out in his honor. But I did get to see my other two cousins, who I hadn’t seen in ages, and get to know my newest two cousins, Ashleigh and Tenley! Ashleigh is a grown-up; Tenley is a baby. That will assist in future confusion in this post. It was wonderful to catch up and see them and ask about their lives. And, of course, to totally abuse my friendship with Ashleigh to ask her pregnancy and baby tips.

Seeing my aunt Shonda is an experience in itself :) since she always brings the fun and crazy to the party. But it’s a good crazy, the kind your children can witness, so don’t be alarmed. She’s funny and goes with the flow. And I already told you about the brownies. You want to be her friend. My uncle Stan, who is the quietest one (or used to be; we broke him in), always wholeheartedly participates in our crazy, and doesn’t even complain when we change our plans 16 times in a row. He needs a medal.

I get to see my immediate family a lot, but it’s still fun when we get to see each other at Thanksgiving. It’s like when you see a movie you love on TV and you have to watch it, even though you own it and can watch it whenever you want. I am eternally grateful for my parents and siblings. They are weird and funny and ridiculous and I know I am blessed to have my whole family around all the time. When my sister got married, I worried it would be hard to adapt to a new member of the family. But Andy jumped right in and became one of us so fast it was like he was always there. That is partly due to the fact that my entire extended family has the attitude that after we meet you once, you are now related to us and may come to all events. Please bring a dessert to share.

Then, of course, my great-grandmother and great-aunt made the trip to come see everyone like they do every year. They live a little ways away but they came anyway. And it was so fun to see them meet Peyton and Tenley. That made 5 generations of us in one room! Can you imagine that? My great-grandmother was born in 1918 (I think. If that’s wrong, someone tell me, quick!!). Peyton and Tenley were born in 2012. Almost 100 years of family, together for Thanksgiving. 100 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases and birthdays and being together as often as possible.

And then there’s Daniel. Oh, Daniel. Who sits quietly while my family complains about Yankees and people from “up there.” Who not only engages himself in conversation with everyone from my great-grandmother to the babies, but spends his time fixing people’s guns and showing them how to make all sorts of dangerous things. He got to know everyone and is genuinely glad to be part of my family. I am so grateful that my family welcomed him right away.

Even though I didn’t see them at Thanksgiving this year, I have to give a shout-out to my in-laws. They have welcomed me into their family and have made a sincere and loving effort to get to know me and be my friend. I now have more parents, more sisters, more brothers, more aunts, more uncles, and more cousins to call family. Not to mention all of my cute nieces and nephews.

So this year, I am thankful for my family. I never realized how blessed I was until this year. I grew up with grandparents and great-grandparents and this year it really hit me that a lot of people do not have that opportunity. I get to not only meet but have a relationship with so many people in my family. And while so many people do not get along with their in-laws, I can’t wait until Christmas so I can see all of mine again. I am blessed beyond anything I have ever deserved.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a Merry Christmas. And if you don’t have any family to see this year, or just want to borrow a grandparent, give me a call. You can join us any time. 

But stay away from the brownies. I call dibs.

5 generations of awesome.