Lortab Post!

Lortab Post!

Well, everyone, due to some tummy troubles, I have been prescribed Lortab for pain. Why does spellcheck not recognize Lortab? Am I spelling it wrong? My mom would know. Mom, is it wrong?

…anyway, I’ve been trying not to take too much but I did have one earlier tonight. And then a thought came to me: What better way to delight my millions of fans than by writing a post while high?? So here we are.

I don’t like the feeling that Lortab gives me. It’s sort of a win-lose, because I trade stomach pain for feeling like the whole room is tilted at a 90-degree angle. And my stomach still hurts so really it’s a lose-lose. Or, as Michael Scott might say, a lose-lose-lose. If you don’t watch The Office, don’t start now because I don’t like it anymore. But watch the one where he talks about the win-win-win situation because that one is funny. Michael Scott isn’t on The Office anymore :( That makes me sad. But like I said I don’t watch it anymore so I’m not sure why I care. I guess I just miss the idea of Michael Scott.

I’m not 100% sure where I thought this post could go. But I can’t sleep and Daniel is already asleep and no amount of me pretending to drop things is waking him. He has to get up early so I guess I will try to type quietly. He gets up at 5:15 every morning. Like the loving wife I am, I wake up for approximately 75 seconds to wish him a good day at work. Once I made him lunch, but I think I forgot to put bread on the sandwich so we went back to the 75-second goodbye. But he doesn’t mind. He’s a good husband. He really is. Not just because he doesn’t mind me sleeping while he gets up but just in general. He always brings me Sprite. And if I have a bad day he watches Gilmore Girls with me. Although I am beginning to suspect that is more for him…

He also got me a nightlight! I don’t like the dark. I’m blind and if I don’t have my glasses on it takes me about 2.4 milliseconds to convince myself that every shadow on the room is an evil bad guy waiting to get me. Why they wait until I’m awake, I don’t know. I don’t pretend to understand their evil ways. My previous solution was to leave the bathroom light on all night. But the line shines right in Daniel’s face while I sleep soundly on the other side. He put up with this for a long time before tactfully suggesting a nightlight. And he didn’t get me just any nightlight – it changes colors and has FISH FLOATING INSIDE IT. It is very amazing and it is a bad guy repellent because not a single one has tried to attack me since I got the nightlight. Amazing, right?? If you don’t think it’s amazing, come over to my house and look at my nightlight. If you still don’t think it’s amazing I’ll make you cookies.

So. Lortab. It’s strange.

No Hablo Espanol

No Hablo Espanol

Apparently I look Hispanic. While normally this could turn into an excellent opportunity to mess with people, the joke is on me, because my faux-spanic looks usually backfire.

For instance, these cute little old ladies go around our neighborhood, inviting people to church. I’d seen them around but hadn’t ever spoken to them. One day, they knocked on our door! Even though I like the church I attend, I always enjoy talking to other people about different churches, so I was excited. I opened the door, and they start speaking to me in Spanish. They got about two sentences in before the confused look on my face clued them into the fact that I had no idea what was going on. One of them asked, “Do you speak Spanish?” I said, no, sorry, and they both straightened up and looked around uncomfortably. “Oh,” she said. “We’re only inviting people who speak Spanish. Sorry!” And with that, they turned around and walked away.

Okay, I get it – they were starting a Hispanic church and if you didn’t speak Spanish, you might not get as much out of attending. But they were literally holding a Bible in their hands and didn’t once bring up Jesus. I mean, I already know Jesus, but did she know that? Nope…I felt a little cheated.

Another time, I was working retail at the mall. A man came up to me and asked if I spoke Spanish. I said no, but our manager did, and did he want me to find her? He then looks at me carefully for a very long time, and says that he’s not sure if he should report me, since it’s clear I speak Spanish and am lying about it.

So now I am put in the very awkward position of trying to prove that I am in fact as white as it gets (if only he could have seen me dance to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – then he would have known for sure), except the customer is always right, but in this case I really, sincerely cannot help him. I managed to convince him I don’t speak any Spanish, and he seemed to accept this. But then he kept popping up around the store, as if he was going to catch me talking to myself in Spanish or talking to a customer about the silly man I tricked earlier. He eventually left me alone, probably off to stalk some poor other girl who only spoke one language.

The last instance that comes to mind is a job I used to have with a boss who, shall we say, wasn’t the sharpest tack in the drawer. She had asked me previously if I spoke any Spanish, and I was sure to tell her no, no, no, no, nooooo. So fast-forward a year when I am still working for her. She sends me an email asking me to take a call from a client later, because I have the “right skills” to interact with him. You can all see where this is going. The client only spoke Spanish. And if communicating with someone in person while speaking different languages is hard, the phone is really hard. Downright impossible, in fact. So I had to sit there on the phone and try to communicate, while the poor customer is probably starting to wonder if we’re recording this conversation for a game show, until finally I remember my friend J works with me and speaks Spanish! Yay! I emailed her and she came to my rescue, and while I’m sure the client thought we were nuts, he still liked our company anyway.

So, if any of you are interested in speaking to me in Spanish, let me make it clear: If you do not want to discuss:

~your favorite color;
~how tall you are;
~how your mom is;
~where you are from;
~how nice it is to meet me;
~ or what color your hair is…

I can’t help you. However, if you do wish to discuss any of these things, call me! Please be advised that this phone call will take approximately thirty seconds. Hasta luego!

Honk Honk

Honk Honk

I’m here to admit a problem: I am a honker. Not going fast enough after the light turns green? Honk. Cutting me off in traffic? Honk. TRYING TO GET INTO THE LEFT TURN LANE ON THE EXIT RAMP WHEN THE LIGHT IS RED AND HOLDING UP TWO LANES OF TRAFFIC? HONK. HONK.

Some might even say I overhonk. Those people are obviously wrong, but it it something to consider. I live in fear that I will honk at someone I work with. I hope that while I am honking no one notices the cross I wore around my neck that day. And I’m sure that one day I will honk at some poor student driver who will never get in the car again after my ruthless judgment of his slow speeds. The honk has become associated with rudeness and impatience in our society. Honking = not nice.

However, lately I’ve realized the power of the honk, and how I should use it to change the world. You may think this is just an excuse to honk more. It is. BUT I also came up with sound reasoning behind it. Because you know what honks besides me?

Geese.

Think about it. Geese have power. They hiss at you and and they follow you around. They will make you walk a block out of your way to avoid them. If they’re in the road, they don’t move – you wait for them. And they honk. They honk at each other, they honk at you, they honk at absolutely nothing. They embrace the honk. They aren’t ashamed of it. They just let it fly free. (HA fly free… geese… come onnnnn) And I think we could learn a lesson from geese. No longer does honking have to mean hiding behind your steering wheel and praying that isn’t your mother’s car in front of you. It doesn’t have to mean that you’re extra nice once you see that it’s a little old man driving the car that cut you off. We can bring honking back to its roots, just a warning to say, “Hey, man, if you could not make my life flash before my eyes, that would be awesome.”¬†

So I encourage all of you to go honk at someone today. And when they turn their head to give you a dirty look or mouth to you exactly where you can go, smile and wave, and show them that honking doesn’t have to be bad. Maybe hold up a picture of a kitten or a happy face to emphasize your point. Throw some candy out your window. If we all work together, we can bring honking back to the way God intended it: A funny-sounding way to save your own life before that semi runs you over.

Life Lessons from Dove Chocolate

Life Lessons from Dove Chocolate

I love Dove Chocolate. I try to pretend that I don’t, but the bag of them currently residing in my desk drawer has pretty much let that cat out of the bag, so now I’m just embracing it. This bag came with delicious candies, and printed on the candy wrappers is some good, sound advice for life. By “good, sound advice” I mean “please, nobody follow this unless you’re being held at gunpoint advice.” I have decided to pass the wisdom on to you in the hope that you, too, may learn to appreciate tasty candy but ignore stupidity.

1) Keep the promises you make to yourself
Okay, I think we can all agree that nobody does this. New Year’s Resolutions, anyone? And what if you promise to mass murder at least 75,000 people before the week is over? Or that you’re going to try Beverly at the World of Coke? That’s not helpful to anyone. I think it could at least be modified to say “Keep the legal and non-threatening promises you make to yourself.”

2) Take a deep breath and exhale
This is not life advice. This is direction on how to literally stay alive.

3) Engage, embrace, enjoy
Lather, rinse, repeat. This one is a little vague for my tastes. Engage…I should get engaged? I’m married! SO, Dove, you want me to leave my husband??!! Shame on you. Embrace – I don’t like hugs that much. Okay, that’s a lie. I like hugs but I am the world’s most awkward hugger. So I’m still going to have to give this one a “meh” on the life advice scale. And enjoy what, exactly? The engaging and embracing? Everything? The candy? I do enjoy the candy. That one can stay.

4) Lose yourself in a moment
As someone who gets lost easily, I do not appreciate this. I do not want to lose myself. I like myself. When I can’t find me, I get confused. I eat a lot of ice cream and cry until I come back. Then when I am back, I live in constant fear of losing myself again. It’s a vicious cycle.

5) Love rules, without rules
This makes absolutely no sense. First of all, inserting a comma into random places in a sentence doesn’t make you look smarter. It makes you look like you don’t know how to use a comma. Also, I fail to see what life-altering revelation this will bring you. Love is awesome when you don’t have rules? What rules? Is it rules in general or rules specifically about love? Because if you think being in love with someone can keep you from getting hit by a bus when you jaywalk, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. Or maybe it’s saying “love” and “without” both rule equally. No, that makes less sense than the first thing. I think this could be amended to “Love is great. Look both ways.”

6) Indulge your every whim
Oh, yeah, this is fantastic advice. It’s philosophies like this that have created a world where Britney Spears is a mother.

7) Live your dreams
Dove, if you had any idea what I dreamed about, you would retract this statement immediately. Last night I dreamed I was stuck in an amusement park and wearing wool underwear. Earlier this week I dreamed I got fired from work. Last month I dreamed I had missed Harry Potter coming out in theaters. My dreams suck and I do not want to live them, Dove. What about people who dream they fall of cliffs or are chased by evil bus drivers (last one is mine again)? I doubt anyone wants to spend their life being chased by an evil bus driver in a trench coat.

But the candy is delicious.

What I learned from Transformers 3

What I learned from Transformers 3

1) Arriving on time is nice. Arriving in the NICK of time is way awesomer.

2) When replacing a crappy actress, it might be best to go for someone who isn’t worse than the first one.

3) “Sneaking around” does not = being bright colors and running down dull and war-torn streets. It just makes you look ridiculous; you’re a 10-foot tall robot. We can all see you. At least pretend to be a car.

4) Optimus Prime isn’t stopped by death, guns, or robots, but give that guy a pair of wings and he’ll never recover.

5) Speaking of Optimus Prime, shouldn’t he be here by now?

6) Seriously, it’s been like ten minutes.

7) Optimus?

8) I don’t think he’s coming back, guys.

9) THERE he is! What kept you, man?

10) WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED WINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU ARE A ROBOT. JUST RUN.

11) Bumblebee is always awesome.