I have now been a parent for almost 10 months (10 MONTHS WHY GOD WHYYYY), and while I am still relatively new to the child-raising game, I have garnered a lot of wisdom in my short tenure. For example, don’t get attached to your baby’s socks. The cuter they are, the faster they disappear in the Great Sock Void, where socks are drawn in by a guy selling candy and are never seen again. Another fun fact is that toots are deceptive. What you are smelling is probably just a toot, but since you have to make sure and unbutton those stupid PJs, look in the diaper, and stop your baby from wriggling out of his pajamas so he can finally be free like he’s always wanted, it winds up being just as much work as if the smell was actually poop.
But the most startling discovery, the most shocking, wild, unexpected bit of information I have learned this year is this: Babies and dogs have a lot in common.
Let me clarify: Owning a dog does not equal raising a baby. I know that your precious Fifi is a lot of work and the other night you had to stay up with her because she was sick and it was very sad and that you might think it’s the same as having a baby. Stop that. Dogs are a lot of work, but at least they take their poop outside (most of the time). And dogs become self-entertaining – that tail is easy to chase pretty early on. But, in spite of the many difference, there are also a lot of similarities. Maybe the better way to say it is that I approach raising my child much like the way I approach owning a dog. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. Just keep reading.
This is my dog:
|Ignore the terrifying eyes. He isn’t a robot.
This is my baby:
|Cute, right?? I know.
At first glance, you might wonder what these two have in common, besides the fact that in each picture they are drooling on something. But while you’re looking for the drool in both of these pictures, consider the following list of things I say to my dog and my child on a daily basis:
– “What is in your mouth??”
– “Don’t lick that.”
– “There is no need to make that noise.”
– “Tell me what you want… you’re looking toward the kitchen… food? Is it food? It’s food!!!”
– “Is this dirt or poop?” (It’s poop. It’s always poop.)
– “This sounds like a job for Daddy… Oh, Daniel!!”
So you can see that the similarities are already building. Both my dog and child would like to chew on every electrical cord available. They enjoy rolling things into small, hard to reach places and then they enjoy crying until I find a way to reach it. They both want something that is totally, completely unreasonable all of the time: The dog would like to be a lap dog and curl up on us in spite of the fact that he is fifty pounds. The baby would like to both turn his head away from his bottle and drink from his bottle at the same time. They both have a knack for ignoring the safe, happy toys right in front of them and instead presenting me with random pieces of trash, in spite of the fact that I just vacuumed and picked up all trash in sight.
And my baby can’t even crawl yet. I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse.
So, other moms – tell me, am I right? Do my infant and my pooch bear a resemblance to each other? Or am I just a really terrible person who compares her sweet baby to her dog?