Southern Society and the Snowfall

Ah, the last months of winter. AKA the Time The South Might Get Snow. Unless you’re living in a cave somewhere, I assume you have heard that snow is on its way – is already here, in fact, for many people (in states far north of us down here).

As a Southerner, I am not terribly experienced with snow. For years it was promised to me and never arrived, and now I don’t trust like I used to. It cut me deep.

I am, however, very experienced with watching people argue about snow and any kind of inclement weather over social media. It usually follows a pattern:

First, about a week or so before the snow is projected to fall, someone makes a joke about how wintry weather affects the Southerners. Usually this person is either a recent transplant or still lives up north and is observing via Facebook/Twitter/8,000 news reports that occur every ten minutes. Either way, they are typically not from ’round these parts.

It’s usually something like, “Uh-oh – the forecast calls for snow! That means Atlanta will be out of toilet paper and beer in about ten minutes!” They often add an emoticon to show they mean no harm. They will soon learn that no emoticon can save them from their fate.

Immediately you get one native Southerner who a) does not take jokes well and b) is VERY sensitive about our snow needs. This comment usually involves some capital letters, a few exclamation points, and no emoticons. It’s Very Serious:

“Don’t be so cruel. You don’t understand – we don’t have plows/were in a drought for a long time/have little experience with the snow [the excuse tends to vary]. It’s a BIG DEAL, okay?”

Then another native chimes in. This one is eager to prove that, unlike his angry counterpart, he is totally cool with the snow and is just as amused by his friends’ inability to cope. Emoticons come back into play for this one:

“Lol. This is so true. SO true. I was just telling Susan how true this is. We will not be going to the store to buy bread or anything. I mean, if we need it, sure. But not because of the snow. Lol. So funny.”

And then the memes begin.

Then, if – if – it does, indeed, snow, or sleet, or rain really cold, the comments get a little more…heated.

‘Not From Round These Parts: “Lol, wow. People are freaking out. It’s just snow. But let’s all freak out and leave work early! Silly people. ;)”

Angry Southerner: “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, OKAY? IT MIGHT JUST BE ONE INCH BUT WE DON’T EVEN HAVE SNOW TIRES. WE ONLY HAVE THREE PLOWS FOR THE WHOLE STATE. JUST STOP. SO CONDESCENDING.”

Amiable Counterpart Who Wants To Be Cool: “Haha. Soooooooo true. It is a little scary, though, don’t you think? I think you were just joking, anyway. You don’t think we’re silly. I mean, it doesn’t matter; I’m proud of who I am either way. But you were just joking and people got so mad. Lol. Hilarious!”

And so it goes. With each new prediction or instance of wintry weather, the cycle begins anew. Sometimes it is a continuation of previous conversations. Sometimes it’s a poor, clueless fool who really had no idea snow was predicted to fall over the weekend.

And then things get ugly.

People start to turn on each other.

This is when Not From ‘Round Here and Angry Southerner begin to put it all out on the table. The chilly, snow-covered table. Insults fly, friends are defriended, and passive-aggressive posts like “Guess some people can’t take a joke. SMH.” begin to pop up. Meanwhile, Amiable Counterpart is just doing  a lot of “lol” and “soooooo true.”

It will last until the spring.

And then all will be forgiven; friends will refriend, and the memes will go back to politics, wine, and hilarious Tumblr posts, just as God intended.

Stay warm, friends! Don’t forget to tell us your thoughts about snow on Facebook!

Stop It

You’re in the grocery store with your baby. You have made it almost all the way through, and now you just have to grab some ice cream – uh, organic carrots, and you will be done! Your baby is still smiling from her seat in the cart, you have found your last item, and – uh-oh.

You’ve been spotted by someone. She sees you, and she sees your baby in the cart. You try to turn around, but you’re blocked on that side by one of those weird cart things that are used for stocking shelves, and why do you always manage to come on restocking day, anyway? Is there a schedule you can see to help plan your trips? Are they following you? Will they be mad if you take an item off the shelf that they literally just placed there, ever-so-carefully?

You emerge from your restocking reverie to find that the worst has happened – the stranger in the grocery store is now touching your baby.  Sure, she is only touching the baby’s hands – you know, the one place your daughter is certain to immediately stick in her mouth.

“She’s so cute!” the stranger croons, while pulling your baby’s eyelids apart and coughing directly on her iris.

You nod and smile, trying to think of a way out. Short of running this woman over with your cart – which will land you in prison, so try to resist – you have only one defense left: Your words.

But what to say? You don’t want to sound mean, because you know this woman means well. On the other hand, it is FLU SEASON, y’all, and you did not Lysol your entire house and force your family to wash their hands 80 times a day just to be brought down by some lady in the frozen foods section.

I used to struggle with this a lot for my son, but I got a super fun bonus added because he was, at separate times, on oxygen and then in a helmet. Instead of just touching my immuno-compromised baby, I enjoyed strangers asking me all sorts of personal questions, like “What is that giant green tank?” and “What’s wrong with him?” and “Do babies really need helmets?” as if I was teaching him how to rollerblade right there in the pasta aisle.

It’s easy to drink the hater-ade here and talk about how everyone is so dumb and doesn’t understand, as if I have never asked someone a silly question before. But, really, it isn’t about the people – 99% of the time, the people mean well. They just need boundaries.

Which brings us back to the question: What do you say? What do you do? It’s perfectly reasonable to not want someone to touch your baby, but you really don’t want to throw down with Stacy from the produce section just because she sneezed in your child’s ear.

I have given this a lot of thought – too much thought – because I am a people pleaser. I am also someone who has received (and continues to need) a lottttt of grace for things I have said or done, and I want to give that grace back and share the love of Christ. But in the moment, it’s really hard to take someone down the Romans Road when you want to beat them with your loaf of bread for insinuating that something is wrong with your child.

So, in my opinion, you just have to keep it short and simple. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but since I have literally seen two women fight because one of them bumped the other’s cart and didn’t apologize well enough, maybe don’t go the super-aggressive route, either. What you need is a happy face and firm words. It goes like this:

Step 1: Stranger approaches. Stranger reaches hand out.

Step 2: Back up if possible. Block stranger’s hand and find your happy face.

Step 3: Say, “Oh, it’s flu season, sorry.”* Even if it isn’t flu season, just use that line, because the time the stranger realizes it’s July, you are onto….

Step 4: Get the heckola out of there. You don’t need to hit the turbo drive, but it’s a lot harder for someone to touch your kiddo from ten feet away.

Step 5: Don’t forget to go back for your ice cream.

See? Simple, and you have a valid medical reason (at least from October – April) that doesn’t make it personal. And you have ice cream!

*Sometimes, I also say, “Oh, he has been sick recently.” That usually gets people out of there really fast. Sometimes my daughter answers questions for me, and since she is four, she does it with the highest level of disdain in her voice that is possible to be conveyed by a human. Feel free to borrow her.

This next part is just for the strangers in our scenario. Yes, Ethel, I am talking to you – you, who thinks it’s perfectly fine to touch a baby because new moms worry too much about germs and when you were a kid your parents took you to ERs to lick the floor and let you use needles you found under the couch. I get it, girl. Babies are cute. It is not a typical occurrence for you to see a child with a helmet, or using crutches, or flapping their hands. You don’t mean any harm. You just want to visit, or you just have an innocent, curious need to know about this child’s special need.

But, sister, from me to you, heed these words:

Stop it.

Seriously. Stop it. No more touching. Don’t ask weird and very personal medical questions in the middle of the floral department. Approach from a distance, and, by all means, have a conversation! Compliment the heck out of that baby, and tell that parent what a great job they have done. Don’t make jokes about kidnapping, or offer advice. Smile, wave, and move on.

Because while I know you mean well, I also know you’ve been in my shoes before. You know what it is to have young children who you are just trying to keep healthy and happy for the duration of your grocery trip. You raised children, you love children, and you know how hard being a mom is. Bring those memories to the front of your mind with every interaction you have, and remember the days where you just wanted to keep everyone’s snot a regular, clear color, just for one week out of the winter.

When in doubt, consult Bob Newhart.

And then stop it.

Shop on, moms – don’t be afraid to speak up for your kids! And always, always – like for real, always – carry hand sanitizer in your purse.