Sticks and stone can break my bones, but words can hurt the most

Today someone very casually asked me if “everyone in the South is a retard.” Classy, huh?

For starters, even if you’re not from here, you live here, in the South, now. So don’t be too terribly surprised when we all turn on you, no shoes and all.

Second of all – really? People still say that? A few months ago my sister-in-law wrote a post about the “R” word, and I was surprised to hear how often she heard it. But then I thought about how she has two little kids, and surely she must have heard it from one of their classmates. I could not picture an adult using the word “retarded” as a synonym for stupid.

And then a grown person walked into my office today and uttered those words. I was floored. I was speechless. And for anyone who knows me (or has spoken to me for five minutes), I am never, ever speechless.

So is this really acceptable? Is it really okay for someone to speak of something like this so casually, as if their words don’t matter? I hope not. I really do. Because if that is the case now, where do we go from here? How much worse does it have to get before someone finally takes offense?

I have a six-year-old niece with Down Syndrome. Her name is Adalie.

Adalie is a good kid. She’s sweet, loves others more than herself, and is always willing to give you a hug whenever you need one. And she will never get to do the same things in the same way as you, because she is retarded. But she isn’t retarded in the way that person meant it today. She isn’t stupid. She isn’t slow. She isn’t weird and she certainly has more to offer this world than some of the “normal” people I’ve come into contact with. She is just a little different.

Don’t let it go any further. You don’t have to have a kid or a niece or a cousin or a friend who learns or talks or acts differently to know that this is wrong. Here’s a good test: If you can replace the word “retarded” in a sentence with “stupid,” pick a different word. Pick a different word for your own sake, but mostly for the sake of all the kids like Adalie out there who will never be considered good enough by ignorant people.

And, for the love of Nancy, DON’T USE IT AT WORK. COME ON. Jerk.

Rant = over.

The Cat Diaries

Based on my cat’s behavior the last few months with us, this is how I picture his diary (and don’t even tell me he doesn’t have one; I SAW it underneath the litter box):

Day 1: 


There are a lot of strangers here. I’m now all alone because my mom got scared after hearing just one tiny gunshot. Honestly. I knew right then that this was the neighborhood for me. Plus I like scary apartments. I look more menacing here next to these tiny stairs. 


I’VE BEEN SPOTTED. One of the humans has began to… cuddle me. Ugh. Maybe she’ll think I’m diseased and won’t want me.


Day 30: 


I’ve been a prisoner for quite some time now. The human had a friend, and together they made me take a bath. A BATH. I have never been so humiliated. I shall attack their toilet paper as soon as they go to sleep. Yesss, yesss, you can run, toilet paper, but you can’t hide. Muahahahaaaaa.


Day 120:


This isn’t working. The humans insist on taking pictures of me and putting them on the Facebook. I tried throwing up on their carpet. That angered them for a minute but then we were back to cuddling as if nothing had ever happened. I have now destroyed twelve rolls of toilet paper to no avail. I must think of another plan soon.


I’VE GOT IT. I will swallow something and make them take me to that insufferable vet – and when they open the door, I will ESCAPE! Muahaha – wait, what’s this? They are tying some kind of string to me! They are putting me in a box! How will I ever escape now?? My plans have been foiled again.


Day 121: 


This is was a bad idea. My tummy hurts.


Day 150: 


Well, I survived the string ordeal. But now the humans have taken away all my favorite playthings – twisty ties, paper clips, and worst of all, the ponytail holders. Oh, how I miss you, ponytail holders. They even found my secret stash. But I am strong. I will prevail.


Day 151:


An Ode to Ponytail Holders


Oh, holders of the ponytail
How I love you so.
You are so stretchy
And yet
Soft.
I long for you like a cat longs for catnip.
And hope that someday
We may be together
Again.


Day 180:


The humans have relocated me. At first I thought this was my chance to escape once again, but, alas, no. They are trying to trick me into complacency by giving me my own room to play in and a really cool snake to chase… must… not… be… distracted… by… the… sn


Day 195


THEY GOT A DOG.


Day 196:


IT WANTS TO EAT ME.


Day 215:


VICTORY!!!!! I have finally escaped this terrible place. Now I will go on to make great discoveries and take exciting journeys. I am free, as free as the wind on a cool summer’s day. Goodbye, humans. Goodbye, dog.


Day 215:


They caught me. I give up.


Day 220:


They may be able to keep me here. But  I will not be denied. They want a cat? Fine – they’ve got one. Now I must go sharpen my claws to ensure maximum scratching potential. Let’s see how they sleep with me jumping on them all night. MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Why SafeSearch is always a good idea

The other day I was searching for something on the Google. I got as far as “How to get” and these were the results that popped up, based on what people search for the most:

Result # 1: How to get married in Skyrim. For those of you lucky enough not to know, Skyrim is a video game that I am way too familiar with, courtesy of my husband. I have lots of questions about this. Why would you want to get married in Skyrim? Do you get bonus points? Is there an extra level where you have to balance your checkbook together and figure out how to file joint taxes?

Result #2: How to get Facebook timeline …really? Barring the fact that Facebook timeline is the 21st century’s version of being crushed to death slowly with lots of heavy rocks, Facebook asks to you to change to timeline every single time you log in. Every. Single. Time. Just log on and start clicking random buttons; you’ll get there eventually.

Result #3: How to get rid of hickeys. My mom reads this and my Mamaw just got an iPad, so all I am going to say about this is that Googling it will probably get you some weird results, especially in the images section. And shame on you, Google – little kids could have access to this. Although hopefully not without their parents, but you’ve still created thousands of awkward conversations across the country.

And, yes, for those of you wondering, that is Bumblebee the Transformer on my browser background. I’m just that awesome.