I don’t really "know" what to "think" of "this."

I don’t really "know" what to "think" of "this."

I keep noticing an odd pattern. These guys: “” are everywhere. It makes sense in some situations. But then I was leaving O’Charleys the other day, and I noticed a sign that said, in quotes, “It was a pleasure to serve you.”

Maybe this is just me, but when I see the quotation marks, I always associate it with something not being real. Like if you say you’re going to the store, but you really mean you’re going to the local crack house in an attempt to get funds for groceries, you could say you’re going to the “store,” and everyone would laugh as your air quotes conveyed your sarcasm. Good times.

So when I see stuff like “It was a pleasure to serve you,” I feel like it should actually say “Our boss said we had to tell you that it was a pleasure to serve you.” Or at the gas station when the screen says “cold drinks,” I immediately think of two guys snickering as they pour gasoline into a cup and stick in in the fridge, just waiting for you to buy it.

Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m like Joey, forever destined to misunderstand the power of quotation marks.

But am I alone? Do any of you fully understand? Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi. 

A few simple traffic rules

A few simple traffic rules

Most of you know that I have issues with traffic. However, this post is not about what to do to circumvent the horror that is a traffic jam, or how to right an injustice on the highway. This time, I have decided to share some wisdom with you that comes from my experience this evening:

1) Before you honk angrily at someone who cuts you off, make sure they don’t have a license plate that denotes they are a war veteran or physically handicapped.

2) Once you realize this, do not tailgate them even longer – they might live in your parents’ neighborhood.

3) Always, always resist the urge to give the finger – seriously, that person might live in your parents’ neighborhood.

4) As soon as you realize they do live in your parents’ neighborhood neighborhood, look for another neighborhood to turn into in case the other driver might recognize you. Try to do this inconspicuously. Which is hard to do in a bright orange car.

5) Do not think you are safe until you see them turn on another street – they might take a sloooooooow riiiiiiiiide dooooooown theeeee streeeeeeeeet and it will look bad if you come zooming up behind them. Again.

6) Finally, when you are safe, never, ever, ever venture into your parents’ neighborhood again. At least not until your fake mustache and dark sunglasses arrive.

Sorry, Mom. This is why I don’t have a Jesus sticker on my car.