The Bourne Quesadilla

The Bourne Quesadilla

I went to go see the latest Bourne movie the other day. I have only seen 1.5 of the other movies but I figured nothing would make sense to me regardless so I was game. It was pretty good. I think. I’m actually not entirely sure what happened or why. But the girl from The Mummy was in it so that was fun.

The thing about those movies is that while I don’t dislike them, I never walk away from them thinking, “I hope they have six sequels like Harry Potter did!” Daniel, on the other hand, loves them. He is all about Tactics and Strategy and Guns and Other Manly Things. He was so into it that all of my hilariously-timed jokes throughout the movie merely seemed to annoy him. Weird.

So I found a new way to occupy myself: I imagined Jason Bourne doing everyday things but as a crazy ninja spy. And then I found myself planning the next few Bourne movies and their subsequent trailers… **cue action hero music**

1) The Bourne Quesadilla: Jason Bourne is not someone you want to mess with on an ordinary day. But when you mess up his order at Taco Bell, you better prepare yourself for an intense showdown. It’s Bourne vs. the teenage employees of the Suwanee Taco Bell in this epic thriller. Sure, Bourne is a trained killer – but these kids have hot sauce and aren’t afraid to use it. Will Bourne get his order? Will the Taco Bell be able to continue serving others in a timely fashion while most of their employees shoot the AK 47s in the back? What will happen to the quesadilla? This summer, we all find out.

Tasty triangles or deadly throwing knives?

2) The Bourne Knitter: Knitting is an action-packed thrill. But when you add Jason Bourne to the mix, it becomes lethal. He doesn’t like being told to knit one, pearl two – and he’s going to do something about it. With two hooks, he’s unstoppable – until he meets Granny Fincher, the meanest knitter on the Eastern seaboard. Will it come to blows with a sixty-two-year-old lady? Does she even stand a chance against his speed and agility? Or will he finally knit one blanket too many to make it through to the end? Christmas 2012: Prepare yourself for the knitting marathon of the century.

Will the beads be too much for our hero?

3) The Bourne Fisherman: Those fish may look calm. But beneath the blue-green tint of the Tennessee River, they are planning something sinister – and it is going to affect us all. The only one who can stop them is Jason Bourne. But ever since he fell out of his uncle’s boat as a kid, he’s feared the water. Now we’re all counting on him, but the question remains: Can he brave his worst nightmare to save the world? Or we will all be swimming with the fishes sooner than we think? Catch this breath-taking thriller, in theaters this Thanksgiving.

Now Nemo’s found us. And he isn’t happy about it.

Look for all these and more in a theater near you.

An Open Letter to NBC – 11Alive

An Open Letter to NBC – 11Alive

Dear 11Alive News, 

I don’t always watch the Olympic Games. The last time the summer games were on, I was still in school and only caught the radio highlights about some swimmer named Phelps. Never really heard what happened to him. Kidding. Only the dead and/or extremely inebriated wouldn’t know what happened to Michael Phelps. But I digress.

This time around, it was different. I was married. (Still am… just wanted to clarify.) And that meant that I had to accommodate my Olympic-loving husband, who turned on the TV every night promptly at 7:00p to see what medals would be won today. And I found myself getting sucked in. The swimming! The diving! The GYMNASTICS! Oh, the gymnastics. How I love them so.

So you can imagine my disappointment when I went to my sister-in-law’s house to watch her recording of the gymnastic finals and before the competition even aired, you had a commercial showing a member of the team holding a gold medal and smiling. 

What. the. heck. Why would you do that? Why? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, NBC (In fact, I asked you this question on your Facebook page, but my post mysteriously disappeared…). Do you hate us? Have your viewers wronged you in some fashion, causing you to put together an evil plan in which you systematically ruin each sport just before it airs? 

I don’t know if you’re aware, but the majority of us work. Those who aren’t at an office all day are raising children, educating themselves, making a coaster because they love arts and crafts but don’t feel comfortable trying something too complicated, and besides, who doesn’t love a coaster? and do not have access to your coverage during the day. So we come home, we turn on the TV, we watch your stupid “We are alive here” commercials and just when we have finished popping the popcorn and preparing for the stress of watching grown men dance on a springy mat, you tell us who won. You suck, 11Alive. 

And maybe consider showing some teams besides the US once in a while. I am as patriotic as anyone but I would like to at least catch a glimpse of other countries every couple of hours. Were any other countries even in the Olympics this year? We may never know.

Also, I was unfortunate enough to catch some of the “Anchors Gone Wild” segment this morning. Are you freaking kidding me with this? You think people don’t hate us enough without watching American anchors run around England, acting like you have been given a day pass from the mental institution and/or escaped while the Queen is forced to ride with you on the double-decker buses, admirably restraining herself from slapping you every time you say “IT’S A BUS WITH TWO LAYERS!!!!!!“?? If this is the future of news, I am frightened. 

So quit it. I’ll give you until the end of the week. Then I’m coming down there. Oh, and I have a suggestion for covering the next summer Olympics: Don’t cover the next summer Olympics. 

Sincerely, 

Kristen 

P.S. The peacock logo is stupid. Change it. 

“NBC: Coverage before you even know you want it.”