1. How did all of these animals even get together? Where is a polar bear going to meet a house cat?
2. While we’re on that topic, why is a house cat even one of the Octonauts? Aren’t cats scared of water or something?
3. He has an eyepatch. Naturally.
4. Wait, the eyepatch doesn’t even cover anything. He just lifted it up and there’s just a regular eye under there. So he just wears it to inhibit his vision?
5. They named the penguin with the Hispanic accent Peso. Tell me that isn’t racist.
6. The polar bear and the rabbit are the same size. That seems…wrong.
7. Also, speaking of Tweak the rabbit, why is she always in the garage fixing one of the Gups? Is she not allowed out of there until the OctoAlert is sounded?
8. Let’s go ahead and admit that Professor Inkling is not helpful to the team. Every time they sound the OctoAlert, he is in the library, reading and drinking coffee. At the same time, because he has eight legs. I call shenanigans. Either he is funding this expedition or they don’t know how to get rid of him.
9. Also, I’m pretty sure that Professor Inkling and Shellington have the exact same job.
10. Shellington’s wife must be hecka mad that he’s neglecting his family all the time to go with the Octonauts. I bet he doesn’t even call.
11. Wait, he did call her that one time. And that’s a thing I know. Ugh.
12. So you’re telling me that even though these four are a polar bear, an otter, a penguin, and an octopus, they still need to wear a scuba helmet underwater?
13. And why do Captain Barnacles and Peso need suits for the arctic weather? They live in snow. Or they would, if they weren’t on this forsaken submarine all the time.
14. You know, it’s even more bizarre that Kwazii would agree to join the Octonauts, since he used to be a super fly pirate. No way he gives up that gig to join these nut jobs.
15. Of course, it’s lucky he did. He’s the only one on this crew with any sense.
16. What in the name of all that is holy is this yellow carrot? Is it talking? Is it wearing PANTS?
17. IT HAS A NAME.
18. No matter how many times I hear Shellington explain the origin of the creepy carrots, I will never be comfortable with them. What monster hath man wrought?
19. And they cook. Except they’re vegetables. I bet you three eyepatches that they have accidentally sliced off part of their own arm and served it in soup.
20. Where do they even get food? Are they eating the fish they rescue? That seems dark.
21. Right – speaking of these rescued fish…what exactly is the goal, here? To interfere with the natural order of things? Sometimes sharks gotta eat fish, guys. You’re messing with a delicate ecosystem.
22. How much do you think the other sea creatures hate the flipping Octonauts for messing everything up all the time? These jellyfish just wanted to float around in peace and suddenly they’re sucked into the Octopod and then chased after until they’re injured and “rescued.”
23. You can say “bunch munchy crunchy carrots” pretty fast, Tweak. Maybe stop yammering and start fixing.
24. I have a suspicion that Tweak and Dashi were kidnapped as children by Professor Inkling and raised to believe that there is no other world outside of the ocean (or the Amazon river). They appear to have no other family or talent.
25. Ohhhhh, her name is Dashi because she’s a dachshund. That’s dumb.
26. What is her role, exactly? To take pictures? And I guess to deliver bad news all the time, since she is the only one monitoring the upcoming storms and deadly animals.
27. So they can just flood the Octopod at any time. Right. Those computers are obviously all waterproof. Whoever is funding this team must be constantly pounding their heads against the nearest wall.
28. When they flood the Octopod, they just give a five-second countdown for everyone to put on their helmets? That’s harsh. Hope you weren’t napping, guys, because you’re about to drown.
29. Every time someone is injured, their eyes roll around in their head for a while. That’s…not typical, guys. It’s actually a little alarming. Just in case you want to mention it to Peso during your next check-up.
30. Their motto is “Explore! Rescue! Protect!” Let’s go ahead and acknowledge that they straight up stole those goals from the USS Enterprise.
31. These accents do not correspond in any way to the area of the ocean they are exploring. And I’m pretty sure it’s just the same two guys doing all of them.
32. Why does Kwazii have to sound the OctoAlert? You’re right there, Captain Barnacles. Don’t abuse your power like that.
33. Conversely, why does Peso need literal step-by-step instructions for every activity? Are we sure he’s qualified to be on this team?
34. Also, I’m pretty sure penguins have terrible vision, even in the water. So of course he’s the doctor.
35. How does he keep his medical supplies from getting wet? On a related note, how in the world do you keep a bandage on a fish?
36. These guys can’t even take a vacation without wearing an OctoAlert pin. Their union rep is not going to be happy.
37. Kwazii is the only one who knows what vacation means. He headed right for the beach. If he wasn’t a cat I could almost make some sense out of him.
38. These seahorses, man…they’re trippy. And once is named Janice. Because of course it is.
39. I think my favorite character is the snail that hides in their submarine and shoots them all with its poison spikes. You go, dude.
40. Calling all Octonauts! Kwazii! Peso! Shellington! Dashi! Inkling! Tweak! …and Tunip. Whatever the heck he is.
Know my pain: