A few months ago, I wrote about five different kinds of people you find on Facebook. Many of your comments and messages gave suggestions for other types of Facebookers you have run into on the interwebs – so, without further ado, I present to you the Five Other Types of Facebookers:
The Silent Stalker
Ironically, you won’t run into this person while on Facebook. No, this person has a Facebook page, and you are friends with them, but they save their comments for the grocery store aisle or Sunday School classroom. These people break the unofficial fourth wall of the Internet – they never “like” anything on Facebook, never comment, and, yet, when you run into them out in the Real World they know an awful lot about your life. It’s kind of creepy. And for those of us with limited attention spans, it hurts our fragile little minds. When I am in the baby aisle at Kroger, agonizing over the different kinds of pacifiers, it is both unnerving and confusing to see someone I know who then asks how my kids are, because they “saw them at the mall on Facebook.” Er. I mean, I have no problem with people talking to me about things I post on Facebook. Just…make yourself known somehow. Press “like” on a picture. It doesn’t take much. Just hit the little thumbs up. Then we can chat and I won’t be trying to dial 911 without looking at my phone.
The Internet Doctor
The Internet Doctor is the Facebook friend who has a medical opinion on everything, even if they aren’t a medical professional. Look, I get it. You have a lot of experience with life and kids and whatnot, and you only want to help. But while I rely on Facebook for a lot of things, my health is not one of them. I believe in doctors and medicine and all that new-fangled stuff, and I tend to go to them for medical advice. And I don’t mean the people who comment that my symptoms “might be the flu.” I mean the people who comment that “it’s definitely the flu. Take these three medications and do not, DO. NOT. walk outside between 3 and 6 pm.” These people also tend to show up unsolicited. Sometimes I am just shooting the breeze, talking about my lungs and stuff. Join me with your lung issues and leave the fake medical license out of it.
UGH. These people post vague statuses or a single verse from their favorite song for the sole purpose of getting people to ask them what’s wrong. And when people do ask what’s wrong, the original poster replies, “I’ll PM you about it.” Stop it. Do you hear me? Stop it.
The Chain Mail Statuses
It has become a trend recently for people to post a status that demands you comment on how you first met the person or what you love most about them or how often you sniff them during the day. If you do not comment, you will be – wait for it –
Yes. It’s true. They are threatening to defriend you, which is the most serious, most hurtful thing they can ever do to you in the Facebook world. They are “cleaning house” or whatever other phrase they decide on and you should be very afraid. Except I have never commented on these and they never defriended me. It’s hard to quit kveld. Guys, please, just…stop. If you want to defriend someone, then cowboy up and defriend them. If you want to keep all your friends, then silence yourself and post a picture of a funny cat meme instead. It’s exhausting.
And the same goes for all the “If you love Jesus/God/are a REAL Christian, share this picture” posts that pop up everywhere. I love Jesus. But I seriously doubt He cares if you share that post. He isn’t even on Facebook.
The Smiley Abuser
Emoticons are a beautiful thing. You can imply raw emotion, convey your deepest thoughts, and change an entire sentence with a simple mouse click. But some people need to have a limit on how many emoticons they use a day. I see statuses like, “Omg, love the new Taylor Swift album! :) :) :) :) :) :)” I need to know…why the extra smileys? Why is the status alone not enough? Can we just go back to using words to communicate? And now that Facebook allows you to use stickers, smileys, little tiny piles of poo, and so much more – well, it isn’t pretty, people. A smiley face is great. A smiley face after every :) single :) thing :) you :) type :) is excessive. Use that time to cure cancer or catch up on a favorite show or to vandalize a nearby park. Just as is the case with violence, never go straight to smileys. Always use your words.
Special thanks to Debby D, Alyssa L, Tim P, Hannah P, and Rachel G for the additional ideas!!