If you have children, you have likely seen an episode (or sixty thousand) of The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You have my sympathies. If you have no children/have blocked out the horror of Disney Junior, let me sum it up for you: Mickey Mouse and all his BFFs hang out in a clubhouse and await the opportunity to host parties, solve crimes, and shame those who struggle with shapes.
My kids don’t watch a ton of TV (not because I think it will make them serial killers…usually it’s because we can’t find the remote), but recently my son has been really into Mickey Mouse. He asks for “Mau” all. day. long. And when Mau comes on the screen, suddenly Josh will willingly eat his lunch, do physical therapy exercises, and even practice new words we learn from Mickey. So the clubhouse gang makes a frequent appearance these days, all in the name of education and other important stuff. And as I have watched countless episodes, I have started to notice a pattern:
Mickey Mouse is kind of a jerk.
I know. He is the hero of so many Disney shows and movies. But it’s true. That little rat is evil. And I can prove it.
FIrst, let’s discuss the narcissism. Mickey Mouse is so full of himself. Everyone hangs out at the clubhouse equally. Everyone contributes to the rent, bakes cookies, and helps solve crimes. But is it called the Everyone Clubhouse? No. It’s the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Just like they use the MOUSEketools. And the annoying thing that brings the Mouseketools is shaped like Mickey Mouse. And the entire clubhouse is some sort of Piccaso-esque version of a deconstruction of Mickey’s body, which is disturbing to me on several levels but definitely speaks to the narcissism aspect. Even when they leave the clubhouse, they go to Mickey Lake, Mickey Park, Mount Mickey, and basically any other variation of a geographical landmark that can include the name “Mickey.”
There are several reasons why the prevalence of Mickey is so rampant, but I’m pretty sure it’s because Mickey Mouse is an evil dictator who has kidnapped all of these other people and forces them to play at his clubhouse and solve riddles and identify colors and whatever else he comes up with for the day. If you look closely, you can see Pluto begging someone in the audience to notice his distress and call the police before it’s too late.
And speaking of evil dictator tendencies, lets talk about the absolute control that Mickey insists on having over the clubhouse. For starters, it’s invisible and inaccessible unless you know the magic words to make it appear. Sure, Mickey gives you the magic words, but if it’s really a place to “come inside, it’s fun inside,” barring anyone who doesn’t know the password seems a little harsh. And what if they order pizza or something and then realize they were supposed to pick up their buddy from the airport and they leave for the airport and the clubhouse disappears and the pizza guy is all “where is this stupid place?” and spend half an hour looking for it and calls the phone number on file but of COURSE Mickey left his phone in the clubhouse and now the pizza guy is late with all of his deliveries and gets no tips and then loses his job and has to sell his kidney to have enough money to survive, all because he didn’t know the password? Not that you would care, Mickey Mouse, but I think saving a man’s kidney is worth being a little more open with your neighbors.
And do you know what happens if you say the wrong magic words inside the clubhouse? The whole thing disassembles itself and flings its various compartments all over Mickey’s empire. If someone is inside, they go with the compartment. Poor Donald got sent to space with no helmet or way to survive once. Never was the same after that. And what if you’re walking in between two compartments when it falls apart? I shudder to think of the consequences. Who came up with this rule? Did that really make the most sense to you, Mickey Mouse? If someone who is already inside the clubhouse says the wrong magic words out loud, you are willing to fling them into space? You have a dark, twisted soul, my friend. A dark, twisted soul with ears on the side, I’m sure.
He takes his sweet time finding his lost friends, too. Mickey has zero sense of urgency. Goofy is about to plummet to his death down a waterfall? Mickey takes the opportunity to point out how blue the water is. Minnie is flying away in the glove balloon, praying for a quick death when she crashes into Mount Mickey? Her boyfriend decides to chat it up with Toodles about the clubhouse inventory. Dark. and. twisted.
Look, I know he seems nice. I know this is a children’s show. But that is how it starts. One day Mickey is inviting your baby to his clubhouse; and before you know it he has become president of the entire world and forces everyone to wear masks that have his face on them while bouncing around singing about shapes. Mark my words – that day is nigh. And that is why everyone in my household has began careful preparations of studying every single move that little rat makes. Sure, it helps with therapy and development and problem-solving…but the real reason it’s on so much is that I’m taking the opportunity to research Mickey Mouse while I have the chance. He thinks we’re not watching. He thinks we don’t know. But we do know. And we will fight back against the tyranny. Stand strong with me, brothers and sisters. Don’t let the singing rodent win.