The App of Shame

The App of Shame

Do you drink a lot of water? I find that when I ask this question (yes, I do ask this question a lot), people fall into one of two camps: Either water is omg the best thing ever and you should love water and do you have any water and is that water I see can I please have some, or water is the single worst thing to ever exist and when Jesus returns to this earth the first thing he will do is get rid of that foul liquid so we can finally be happy. 

I was more in the second camp until recently. I like water but I looooove so many other things. But being pregnant means you have to stay hydrated and something about health and other stuff, too, so back to water I went. I drink a lot of water. A. Lot. Exactly how much, you wonder? Thanks for asking; it’s hard to segue into this next part unless someone asks. I drink about 100 ounces a day. I know this because I have an app on my phone that tells me how much I have had (after I tell it) and tells me how much I need to be hydrated according to my height and weight and hair color. Easy peasy, right? 
Wrong. 
See, as I have stated previously, I am not the kind of person who is motivated by goals. Or by anything, really. I need to lose 20 pounds by my birthday? Okay! Or not! Either one is okay with me! But I always start out motivated. Sometimes I’m even really motivated. As was the case when I originally started using my hydration app. But now, several weeks later, I find myself falling off the wagon, as they say, and while I want to get back on… meh. I still drink a lot of water. But the thrill of adding it to my phone has faded somewhat. And I have realized this is true of so many apps I have used in the past… running, couponing, even Pinterest. Looking back over my lack of motivation I have noticed a pattern, which I will now present to you chronologically. Why? Because I can. 
Day 1: 
New app! It was free! Yay!!! I will now spend the next hour filling out every single question and meticulously typing in my info so I can get started! Weeeeeeeeeeee! Now to choose a username! Oh, if I do a good job I get either a bronze, silver, or gold medal! I bet I can make it to gold every day! 
Day 2: 
Boy, this new app sure is fun! And my user name is awesome: TheHydrator1986. I am a genius. Now to add all of my water so I can get a medal! Wow, up to bronze already? I am so awesome. And it makes a happy sound when I reach a new medal!!!!!11111!!!
Day 3: 
Oops! Almost made it all the way to lunch without putting in my water intake! Silly. There we go. No medal yet? Hmm… I will chug some water right now… type it in… MEDAL, SCORE. 
Days 4-6:
Oh, shoot – I haven’t added any water since yesterday. But I know I drank a lot. Probably at least as much as the day before. I’ll just say that; it’s not like the app knows (or does it?). Okay, silver medal. Not as good as gold but still respectable, right? 
Days 7-9:
Argh. I have absolutely no idea how much water I have had. It felt like a lot. Should I also count the Diet Coke I had? I mean, it hydrated me, right? Sure. That’s science. Okay, show me the gold, show me the gold… huh. Bronze. Well, that’s okay. It’s ridiculous to expect someone to get gold every day. Even Gabby Douglas went home with a few silvers, amirite? 
Day 10: 
Okay, I have to stop lying to the app. The point is to drink a lot of water and lying isn’t helping. No more lying. 
Day 11: 
Maybe just a little more lying.

Days 12-14: 
Seriously, I don’t see why this is such a big deal. It’s just water. I drink plenty. This app doesn’t know my life. Maybe if the APP had a baby who needs a lot of attention and a sink full of dirty dishes it wouldn’t be so quick to judge my lack of water intake. Get off your high horse, hydration app. 
Day 15:
I will just move the app to the last section on my phone. That way I don’t have to see its angry, condescending glare every time I unlock my phone. 
Day 16: 
I can still sense the app…waiting for me, asking me why I give up so easily. Be quiet, you stupid app. You don’t know me. You don’t know ANYTHING. I GOT SIX GOLD MEDALS. SIX. 
Fine, it was five. 
Day 17:
Delete app. Eat brownie. 
So there you have it: The quick descent from motivation into apathy. I’m actually really impressed that it only takes me a couple of weeks to make such a drastic change. Maybe I am more motivated than I thought. Maybe I am THE most motivated quitter that ever was. That can be my thing. That will earn me a real gold medal!!! 
I’m thirsty. 
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