Not literally; don’t worry. I stopped trying to hide from thunderstorms under the couch last year so I haven’t been stuck like that in a while.
This is a different kind of stuck. The kind where you’re happy and sad at the same time, anxious and excited all day, tired and energized for hours.
Ever since Joshua was born, I had been waiting for May 1st. I wanted to be able to say that we were finally in the month where I could take him home. But he most likely won’t be home until June now. Which is fine. I mean, I’d prefer he be home right now, but June is okay.
But I’ve been waiting for May 1st for months. And it came and went and nothing changed. I was kind of disappointed but I also saw it coming.
Now I’m kind of at a loss as to what to look forward to. Not that there isn’t anything to look forward to. I just spent so much time waiting for May 1st. Now everything seems more uncertain. I don’t have a plan or goal in mind because I really don’t know when Josh will come home.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not upset. I mean, these days I’m always upset about something, but this news doesn’t especially depress me. It’s just like if you were waiting to receive a package in the mail, and it was supposed to arrive on March 8th, and on March 8th you sat next to your mailbox and waited for the post man, but when he got to your house he told you he had no packages for you. You know the package is on its way. It should be there any day. But you’re kind of stuck. Do you wait by the mailbox every day? Do you go to the mall to pass the time? Do you just try to enjoy your regular life in the mean time until your package arrives? Any of those answers could work, depending on who you are.
So I guess I just have to change my approach. Instead of setting a long-term goal, I need to go back to short-term ones. Josh has to grow. He has to breathe better. He has to start eating and battle acid reflux. These are things that could take days or weeks or months – there’s no way to know for sure. That’s the difficult part. For all I know I’ll arrive at his room today to see him breathing on his own and taking a bottle. Or he could need more breathing help than he did yesterday.
It’s a weird place to be. I’m excited for each step that he takes but I also know better than to get too attached to any progress because he could take steps backward anytime. I know that sounds pessimistic but it’s just the way life in the NICU goes. So I just wait. I wait for the doctors to tell me what the plan is. I wait for Joshua to get bigger and stronger. I wait for another goal to work for. And until then, I just kind of hang out in between.
And read lots and lots of books.