First things first – Josh is doing well the last few days! He is working hard to get fat and I have been humming different themes from Star Wars to him to make him smart. The next goal is for him to go off the regular vent and onto the CPAP. Basically that means he would be breathing on his own and the CPAP just provides oxygen to pressurize… something. The lungs, maybe. Someone help me. He is also increasing the amount of milk he gets with each feeding, so that’s cool.
And he broke free from baby prison for a while on Friday and I got to hold him!!! It was fun. And terrifying. But mostly fun. I held him for over an hour and he snuggled with me. I loved it. And he told me he loved it, too.
Enough about that baby. Time to focus on more important things… like me. Just kidding. Well, no, I’m serious that the next part will be about me. But Josh reigns supreme on this blog (and he knows it).
Lately I’ve been trying to identify what exactly I am sad or stressed or mad about. It helps me to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me because it seems more manageable then. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that I feel cheated that I never got to finish my pregnancy. I never even made it to the third trimester. That sucks. I feel like I need to mourn the loss of the third trimester.
Please understand – I know my experience is in no way comparable to someone who has lost their baby or child. I don’t want to disrespect those mothers or their feelings by saying it’s similar. I’m just trying to think of the best way to explain my own feelings and this is the best I’ve come up with.
I do not have a lot of experience with babies (as if that information will surprise anyone). I don’t even know that many pregnant people. But the ones I know (or knew, if they already had their babies) always talked about how they could make their baby move inside them by drinking orange juice or eating a candy bar. They knew how their baby was positioned and they felt their baby get hiccups. They could see the little outlines of footprints or handprints. It sounded amazing. And I wanted to experience that so much. But for whatever reason that wasn’t the plan for me and Josh.
I feel a little disconnected from Josh. I know that makes me sound like the mother of the year. But I missed out on getting to know him for three months. I am still learning things about him and I feel like I am playing catch-up because now that he’s here I want to know everything about him. I just missed out on that bonding time of the third tri. I love him with all my heart but sometimes it feels like he’s a stranger, like he could be anyone’s baby. The bonding will come with time, I know; it’s just hard to connect with him from the other side of a plastic baby
I think as I get to hold him more and learn more about him it will get easier. I know I’m blessed to meet my baby earlier than most. And at some point I’ll even be glad he arrived early because I will have gotten to spend so much time with him before he goes home. That, like every other part of this, will just take time, I guess.
So that’s that. Thanks for stopping by. Your reward is another cute picture of my baby!