Ten days

Ten days

I really need to come up with more creative titles for these posts. Pretend this one is called Octopus Socks or something. It’s a good thing octopi (right?) don’t wear socks because it would get expensive to buy so many. Plus octopi live in the ocean and I hate it when my socks get wet. This post is taking us in all sorts of deep and philosophical directions.

So, onto the good stuff – my fantastically cute baby. Josh is doing well today! He’s actually had a great couple of days. He’s just chillaxing in baby prison while people fawn over him. I see why he wants to stay until June. Overall he’s improving. The big goals for him this week are to continue the feedings, lose some of his excess fluid, and stay steady on his super-special ventilator.

I finally spoke to God. It was weird because it was really hard. It’s never been so hard before. It came out kind of disjointed and confusing but I think He got the message. It was actually a relief. I’m still angry and I still hate all of this. But it felt good to pray.

My perspective on prayer has changed throughout this. When I tell someone I will pray for them I really do mean it. But I don’t feel the urgency that I should. Sometimes I just add it into my daily prayers and don’t spend time really considering who or what I am praying for. But after seeing the many prayers being lifted up on Joshua’s behalf, I’ve realized that if I’m really going to pray for someone, I can’t do it casually. Prayer isn’t casual. It isn’t a way to pass the time or fulfill my Christian duty. It is a powerful way of connecting with God and it’s important. I’m glad I’ve learned that. I hate how I learned it but it’s an invaluable lesson.

Another thing I’ve learned through this is how incredibly blessed Daniel and I are with friends and family. People are praying for my baby boy worldwide. Even more amazing is that strangers are praying for him. People who have never met us and never will are going before the Lord to ask for strength and healing for Josh. That’s unbelievably amazing to me. It’s so encouraging. When I read that a friend is praying, when I get a card in the mail, when a family member travels thousands of miles to be with us – those times are when I feel the best. When I know that while the road ahead won’t be easy, it can at least be traveled. When I realize that no matter how lonely I feel, God has not abandoned me. Or any of us.

So thank you for praying. Please keep praying. And to those who have sent hats and cards and notes and messages, thank you so much. Everyone has been so selfless and generous and I cannot tell you how grateful Daniel and I are for you.

We can do it. Well, God can do it :) Grow, Joshua, grow!!


2 thoughts on “Ten days

  1. You don't know me, I am friends with the Elevelds, I live in Michigan. I have been praying for Josh and all of the family down there. Just wanted to let you know that many, many people are praying and will continue to pray you through this. I have been through some very stressful times with health issues of my own but cannot even imagine what you are going through. My last big battle brought me to my knees and when I read that you had stopped praying I began praying harder and prayed that you could find your way to pray. I am glad to see that you found a way to get there. God knows what you meant and what you are feeling and He loves you – and Josh. I will never understand why things like this happen but I am sure that God can make something good out of it and just seeing so many people keeping the faith moves others to wonder why. I and my choir small group are praying and will continue as long you need it. Thank you for the updates and the blog so that we know how to pray. In Christ's Love, Perri Barber

  2. Love you, Perri!!! And, Kristen, I love YOU, too :) Something God had been teaching me before you had Joshua was how on earth to comfort someone going through a trial . I wanted to write a song to encourage people, but I thought of friends you and I share who have been through so much…singing about God's goodness or faithfulness almost seemed to mock their pain, if that makes sense. But, it hit me that no matter what our journey is…good or bad…all Christians have the same comfort. God is “there”. Your blog just made that so much more real to me and so fresh. To see you describe your anger at your situation and your struggle to speak with God and yet to acknowledge that He hasn't abandoned you…so powerful. I hate that you are walking through this, but your honesty is helping so many people. I know you'd rather help people and NOT have Joshua in the NICU, but I hope that, on some level, you find encouragement knowing that your little boy is touching many many lives. More lives than I will touch in my lifetime and he's 10 days old!!!

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