I’ve mentioned before that being pregnant has brought on some interesting experiences. And by experiences, I mean judgment. And by interesting, I mean annoying. The judgments are pretty easy to ignore; I just sip my Diet Coke and practice my angry scowl. It’s actually kind of fun. I thought at first it was limited to the annoying judgment. Oh, how naive I was. I now know one more key thing about pregnancy: People will say anything. I mean, anything. Apparently growing a child inside me gives everybody and their mother license to comment, question, and suggest.
I only want to say one thing here: Stop it.
You’re being annoying. No one wants to hear from you.
However, since people will inevitably say something anyway, I have decided to come up with some comebacks that pregnant women can respond with when asked extremely personal questions about their lady parts. For example…
Q: “Wow, are you okay? You look so tired.”
A: “Really?? Do you mean it?? I spent all morning throwing up and was really worried I looked too refreshed. I’m just glad you said something.”
Q: “Do you know what you’re having?”
A: “No, but I think it’s a velociraptor. I’ve always wanted one so keep your fingers crossed.”
Q: “Will you be sad if it’s a ?”
A: “No. I’ll just give it up for adoption if it isn’t what I want.”
Q: “Are you going to give birth naturally?”
A: “I’m actually really hoping to give birth through my nose.”
Q: “Get ready, will just get worse when the baby arrives!”
A: “I sure hope so.”
Q: “Were you trying to have a baby?”
A: “You know, it’s the darnedest thing. I didn’t even know how babies were made until this happened.”
Q: “You’re getting big!”
A: “So are you.”
Q: “How do you feel today?”
A: “Hang on, the voices are telling me what to answer.”
…just to name a few.
I realize that many of these aren’t that intrusive. I don’t mind being asked how I’m feeling or answering someone’s honest question about pregnancy. But – and I can’t believe we’re in a time where I have to say this – other peoples’ reproductive choices and habits are none of your business. I know. It’s hard to hear. But trust me – in this case, less is more.
I hope we’ve all learned something today. And I really hope I’ve offended at least one of you… after all, what are Mondays for?