Everything I never knew about babies

Everything I never knew about babies

Daniel has a general knowledge of just about everything. The Bible, history, mechanics, television – he knows a lot.

I, on the other hand, live my life in a land where unicorns and Pop Tarts reign supreme. Sure, I don’t know who my Senator is (I totally do), but I can find you pictures of six cute cats in thirty seconds or less.

So it didn’t surprise me to find out that I didn’t know a ton about babies, either. When my nephew was born, I discovered all sorts of things. I would share them with you, but I don’t want to be on DFACS’ radar before my baby is even born. Let’s just say I didn’t know much about babies. Daniel knows a lot about them, so our kid still has a good chance of eating every day and going to school and whatever else children do.

I am still learning about babies. I have, however, learned some interesting things about pregnancy. These revelations aren’t “scientific” or “medical” or “useful” but if I had realized just how true they were, I would have prepared myself more for them. You want to know what they are, don’t you. Come onnnn. Say yes. Say it. Say it say it say it say it say it.

Okay, I’m just going to pretend you said it. Here we go!

1) Pregnancy makes you stupid.  You may not know this, but I totally have a super power: I can remember anything. Birthdays? Check. Anniversaries? Done. Random facts about guns and the history of guns? I’m on FIRE.

But not anymore. Now I’m stupid. Stupid is a harsh word. But I cannot think of another way to describe my brain when I am at the post office, trying my hardest to remember my address and telling the nice USPS lady that I could just drive down the street and look at my mailbox really quick. My mom gave me a notebook to write things down so I would remember them. I have no idea where it is. Sorry, Mom. I teach children’s church at my church and called at least 3 kids by the wrong name last week. They kind of just went with it. They also wear name tags, by the way.

So be ye warned, potentially pregnant ladies. It is serious business. Get a notebook. And Velcro it to your shirt.

2) Lettuce is the enemy. McDonald’s is my friend. I can no longer eat lettuce. Not sure why lettuce specifically has given me that lovely feeling that I am about to barf at any moment. But it does. I avoided Taco Bell for a while because of all the lettuce. I avoided Taco Bell. Then Daniel pointed out that I should just get my taco without lettuce. I told you he was smart.

McDonald’s, on the other hand, is my new best friend. I do not go to McDonald’s. Ever. Before these last few months I had gone to McDonald’s maybe 5 times in the last ten years. I don’t like it. But now I love it. I kind of want to marry it. Except I’m already married. But I think Daniel would let me bring McDonald’s into our marriage. He likes it, too. We could all be so happy together.

Ahem. Anyway. McDonald’s is awesome.

3) Everyone and their mother has a medical degree. Apparently. I had heard that people were incredibly rude and nosy to pregnant women. Not on purpose, of course (I hope), but it was still an issue. And maybe I didn’t believe it was that bad. I’m here to tell you – it is that bad.

Random strangers have told me which veggies to eat, to lose weight, to make sure I take a swimming class so my baby will know how to swim. Yeah. That last one really confused me, too. The Quizno’s lady keeps telling me horror stories about parents dropping babies or forgetting to feed them. And once a child at Babies R Us asked if I was pregnant. I mean, yes, I am. But we all know you don’t ask. Never too early to learn, right, Johnny? Oh, stop crying; I didn’t pinch you that hard.

Believe it or not, strangers are the easiest ones to deal with. I can get all Southern on them and say something polite that on the surface makes me sound so gracious but that really means they have .2 seconds to back. the heck. up. before I go crazy ninja on them. It’s the people that I see on a regular basis that really drive me nuts. I have had people email me about how much I am hurting my baby by drinking Diet Coke. One person told me that my highlights have likely damaged my baby forever.

If you are one of those people… sorry. It’s better you know this now. We’re still friends. It’s cool. But how about we all abide by this one rule, m’kay? If you don’t have some kind of medical training or degree, I don’t want to hear it. 

**There is obviously the exception of other pregnant women and/or mothers that I am friends with. Please give me all of your advice and I will make you a cake. HELP ME.**

The rest of you, go use that eager, helping spirit to build a house for the poor or donate some toys for Christmas. Learn to weave baskets, take up knitting, apply to clown school and buy a red nose – just no. more. advice. My own mother-in-law is actually a real live nurse and I have yet to hear from her about all the terrible things I am doing during my pregnancy. So rest assured that I have medical staff on hand who are measuring my Diet Coke intake by the ounce.

This post seems mean now. Maybe I shouldn’t post it. Eh, who I am kidding. But here – have six cute kittens to make you happy again.

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2 thoughts on “Everything I never knew about babies

  1. Right on, sister! When I was 7 months pregnant with Ellie, George and I went on vacation. The vacation from Hell in San Diego. I had not slept for 3 days and we were touring an island on which we were stuck for hours until the next ferry. I was exhausted, so we went to Starbucks and I ordered a Grande Mocha. The guy was like, “are you suuuure you should be getting that?” with a judgemental look on his rude mean face. To quote Ms. Hannigan, my hero, “KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL”

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