Movie. Reviews. Are Back.

Movie. Reviews. Are Back.

Okay, to be totally fair, I always say the movie reviews are back and then I just write one because I saw a terrible movie and want everyone to suffer as I have suffered, and then I forget about them again. But it’s my blog and I am in charge so that is how I’m doing it. Muahahaaaaa.

ANYway, back to the movie. I am the best wife ever. As are my friends Kassie and Amy. We sat and watched an absolutely terrible, ridiculous movie with our husbands. That movie was The Expendables. Fools, all of us. But we watched it and for the most part kept silent. Thank goodness for Pinterest and Facebook.

I managed to block it out and move on. And then, the unthinkable happened: They made a sequel. 

A. Sequel. 

And I even volunteered to see it. I know. Daniel was sad and I was trying to cheer him up.

This time, the cast of characters was widely varied: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, That British Guy Who Is Always In Action Films, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude van Damme, and Bruce Willis, who is Daniel’s man-crush.

“Please. I’m every guy’s man-crush.”

So we find our heroes in the midst of an over-the-top and totally realistic, I’m sure gravity and the laws of physics just take a break once in a while action scene. They were in Nepal. Or Naples. Or the Netherlands. At any rate, they make it out of there juuuuust in the nick of time. And they have added a New Guy! He shoots things from far away. Nice. The former Governor of California also graces us with his presence, throwing in a few “I’ll be back” one-liners to kick the giggles off. At first I thought it was only for laughs, but after he said a few other lines I realized that the famous ones are his best bet, since listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger speak is like listening to a kitten sing with marbles in its mouth.

They finish the mission and Jet Li suddenly realizes how far his career has dropped and decides to bail from the movie. Good for you, buddy. The rest of the team makes it back just in time for happy hour at the local Brew N’ Stew, where The New Guy announces that after this month is over, he is also going to drop out of the club. He’s a nice kid with a girlfriend and potential, so he clearly will not make it for the rest of the movie.

Sylvester leaves for home and finds none other than Daniel’s man-crush waiting for him. Man-Crush says that Sylvester owes him because of something from the first movie. To pay him back, Sylvester must retrieve an item – and add a woman to his team. NOOOOOOOOOO. But he has no choice… apparently… and off they go.

On the way, The New Kid tells them a haunting tale of his time in the Army. I take that back – he tells them an extremely dull and uninspiring tale of his time in the Army, that, after several minutes of meditation on the subject, was found to have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the flipping story.

They land and, after some for serious we are not kidding around danger, find what Man-Crush has sent them for. But, alas – The New Kid has been caught in the mean time by Jean Claude Van Damme. Nice work.

After JCVD gets the item from the team, he lets them go and oh-so-casually knifes The New Kid on the way out. I like a man who can leave in style. The New Kid dies (told you), telling the team to get a letter to his French girlfriend. Which is written in English. Which we know because Sylvester reads the whole long thing out loud. Boundaries, Sylvester. You need boundaries. Also perhaps a face lift.

Now they not only have a mission – they have REVENGE to take care of. What is this new plan, you might wonder? “Track ’em, find ’em, and kill ’em.” Ah. Very nice. I do enjoy a well-thought-out plan.

In the mean time, JCVD and his homies now hold the plans to a plutonium mine. Is there really such a thing? And if there was, would you keep every single detail about it on one computer? They are forcing the local villagers to dig for the plutonium for the purpose of… something, I’m sure. These kinds of plans make no sense to me. You A-bomb someone, someone else A-bombs you, and before you know it children everywhere are being told that all they have to do is hide under their desk and cry for a little while as they watch a cartoon turtle demonstrate proper safety procedures.

But I digress. 

The good guys set up camp but are soon attacked by what I can only guess is another country. I truly have no idea what country they’re a) in, b) fighting for, or c) fighting against. I also don’t care, which works out. At any rate, things aren’t looking too good for the men (and lone woman) until suddenly all the bad guys are wiped out by an unknown source.

It’s Chuck. Flipping. Norris.

Okay. I do enjoy me some Walker, Texas Ranger, so I can get on board with this. As long as he doesn’t make any Chuck Norris jokes about himself… fail. It was a funny joke. But there is a FOURTH WALL and you are vomiting all over it, Chuck.

Chuck gives them some helpful information and then hits the road. The rest of the guys make their way to a town that is filled with only women, since all of the men have been taken to work the mines. When the evil guys come to the town to get more villagers (namely the children, nice), Sylvester and his team start throwing knives and shooting guns and back-flipping and pole-dancing and soon enough, they have won the day! (It may seem like I am flying by, here, but believe me when I tell you this movie is nowhere close to over.)

The good team goes after the men trapped in the mine to set them free, only to get trapped themselves. Good. Maybe they’ll starve to death in there and I can go home. But Man-Crush and Arnold arrive to set them free, and, no, we never find out how they found each other, if this is the first time they’ve met, if they’re secretly married, etc. This is not a movie you watch for the plot. Apparently.

“Nargghh dfjp dhdhq gttoook.”

But now, the team must (still) find JCVD and get the plutonium from him and avenge The New Kid! Ooh, I bet this will be the most exciting scene of all.

They find JCVD at the airport, ready to load his planes. All of the bad guys are either zombies or in a video game because I know a saw a few of them die earlier. They open fire on the good guys and the good guys fire back, in spite of the fact that there are civilians all over the place. 

I can just read the headline now: “Team of Middle-Aged Men (and one incongruously young woman) Take Down Evil World Domination Plot; Also Kill 1400 Civilians.”

Whatever.

Chuck Norris rejoins the party, and he and Arnold continue to make jokes about being back and fists hiding under beards and Rambo and please. Just. Stop. Sylvester leaves it to them to take care of the rest and follows JCVD, who is trying to sneak away on a plane.

Wonder of wonders, Sylvester catches up with him. They shoot for a few minutes before JCVD announces he is out of ammo and surrenders. Then Sylvester murders him and they all go home.

Just kidding. If only it were that simple.

No, instead JCVD challenges Sylvester to a real fight. A fight without weapons or gimmicks or scary background music. Gentlemen, and ladies, if you ever find yourself in this situation, shoot the bad guy. There is not a better plan. But Sylvester accepts the challenge and puts his guns away. Are you kidding me? You had a gun. You had TWO guns. But no, what are guns and a surefire victory compared to a possible chance of simultaneous victory and manliness? I started out rooting for you, Sylvester, because you are the good guy and heaven only knows you could use a few friends who aren’t serial killers. But I wash my hands of you now. May the many unknown children you likely have be smarter than you.

As predicted, Sylvester and JCVD tumble for a few rounds before Sylvester finally finds some kind of chain (does your local airport not keep death chains in its hangars? Odd.) and uses it to beat the stuffing out of JCVD. Why are chains okay but guns are unfair? WHO WROTE THIS.

Sylvester finally delivers some poetic line about revenge and The New Kid and swords before killing JCVD and walking away like a boss in slo-mo.

Then they all go home. True story.

Can’t make it to the movies? No worries. This little gem will be in the Redbox faster than you can say “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.”

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