I went to go see the latest Bourne movie the other day. I have only seen 1.5 of the other movies but I figured nothing would make sense to me regardless so I was game. It was pretty good. I think. I’m actually not entirely sure what happened or why. But the girl from The Mummy was in it so that was fun.
The thing about those movies is that while I don’t dislike them, I never walk away from them thinking, “I hope they have six sequels like Harry Potter did!” Daniel, on the other hand, loves them. He is all about Tactics and Strategy and Guns and Other Manly Things. He was so into it that all of my hilariously-timed jokes throughout the movie merely seemed to annoy him. Weird.
So I found a new way to occupy myself: I imagined Jason Bourne doing everyday things but as a crazy ninja spy. And then I found myself planning the next few Bourne movies and their subsequent trailers… **cue action hero music**
1) The Bourne Quesadilla: Jason Bourne is not someone you want to mess with on an ordinary day. But when you mess up his order at Taco Bell, you better prepare yourself for an intense showdown. It’s Bourne vs. the teenage employees of the Suwanee Taco Bell in this epic thriller. Sure, Bourne is a trained killer – but these kids have hot sauce and aren’t afraid to use it. Will Bourne get his order? Will the Taco Bell be able to continue serving others in a timely fashion while most of their employees shoot the AK 47s in the back? What will happen to the quesadilla? This summer, we all find out.
|Tasty triangles or deadly throwing knives?|
2) The Bourne Knitter: Knitting is an action-packed thrill. But when you add Jason Bourne to the mix, it becomes lethal. He doesn’t like being told to knit one, pearl two – and he’s going to do something about it. With two hooks, he’s unstoppable – until he meets Granny Fincher, the meanest knitter on the Eastern seaboard. Will it come to blows with a sixty-two-year-old lady? Does she even stand a chance against his speed and agility? Or will he finally knit one blanket too many to make it through to the end? Christmas 2012: Prepare yourself for the knitting marathon of the century.
|Will the beads be too much for our hero?|
3) The Bourne Fisherman: Those fish may look calm. But beneath the blue-green tint of the Tennessee River, they are planning something sinister – and it is going to affect us all. The only one who can stop them is Jason Bourne. But ever since he fell out of his uncle’s boat as a kid, he’s feared the water. Now we’re all counting on him, but the question remains: Can he brave his worst nightmare to save the world? Or we will all be swimming with the fishes sooner than we think? Catch this breath-taking thriller, in theaters this Thanksgiving.
|Now Nemo’s found us. And he isn’t happy about it.|
Look for all these and more in a theater near you.