A Documentary on Dana Scully, or, How to be Knocked Out in Three Easy Steps

A Documentary on Dana Scully, or, How to be Knocked Out in Three Easy Steps

Lately, Daniel has been on an X Files kick. So we’ve been watching all of the episodes. If you don’t know what The X Files is, let me sum it up for you: Two FBI agents look for aliens after lots of strange things happen to or around them. It’s weird.

However, the weirdness is nothing compared to the stupidity perpetuated by one specific character: Dana Scully, one of the FBI agents on the show. 
“I was supposed to look sexy but I got distracted.”

It is incredibly hard to watch her on the show and remain silent. She is dumber than a sock and dresses like Hilary Clinton – that is, when she’s conscious, which seems to be rare. What’s that, you say? You want a list proving this? Okey dokey. 
1) The pantsuits. Oh, sweet cheese and crackers, the pantsuits. This woman wears pantsuits like it’s… 1993. Okay. Fine. But still – who looks good in shoulder pads? WHO, I ask you? No one. Especially not in the ones that make you look like a football player. Maybe she’s trying to go for a more masculine look so the other FBI agents will take her seriously. What she doesn’t know is that the suits are only just masculine enough to make her look like a transvestite. 
Look at those things. They take up half the shot.

2) The complete and utter lack of belief in all things paranormal, in spite of the fact that THOSE ARE THE CASES SHE WORKS. ON PURPOSE. She is a medical doctor who became an FBI agent – the assumption we’re supposed to make is that she’s smart. Unfortunately, she is not smart. Quite the opposite, in fact. Because no matter how many times she sees an alien abduct a kid or an invisible elephant trample a dude or find a bunch of dead people with Alien-esque plants sticking out of them, she insists that it’s all a big scientific misunderstanding. “No, no, I know his head was turned into a jelly bean in front of my very eyes. I have seen this before – it’s JellyBellyItis. Very tragic.” Moron. Conveniently she is never around to see any of the alien activity for many episodes, thus attempting to solidify her status as a scientific genius. All it really does is make you wonder why she is never there for the important things. Which brings me to my next item…
3) Scully is without a doubt the worst FBI agent I have ever seen. She is always at a loss for a weapon when trouble comes her way – too bad that standard FBI-issue gun isn’t nearby since you dropped it in the shower earlier like a champion. And when she does miraculously hang on to her gun, she holds it like a limp noodle and kind of just waves it toward the attackers, as if she is hoping it will start firing on its own. 
She also gets knocked unconscious about three times per episode. Once by a little girl. I get it; she’s the girl on the team and it’s the 90s and life is always more exciting when someone’s unconscious.But they are the F. B.  I. I would hate to have to explain to a child’s parents that I didn’t rescue their son from a kidnapper because I tripped and fell over my own gun after I dropped it because loud noises scare me. 
“What’s that? You want me to hold on to your gum? OH, gun. Uh-huh. Then what? Okay, which part is the trigger? And then I impress him?? OH, arrest him. Okay. Do I tell him I work for the FBI or is that a secret?”

So if you decide to watch, prepare yourself. It isn’t pretty. Her suits certainly aren’t.

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