There are a lot of books out there on how to be successful, how to move up in the world, how to make sure you’re the awesomest, blah blah blah. But there isn’t very much on how to not be successful. This may not seem like something you would want to research, but think again: If your goal is to be unsuccessful, and you achieve that, then are you not in fact successful? I know that probably just blew your mind so take a moment and ponder it. I’ll wait.
Welcome back. Yes, it’s true: By purposely being unsuccessful, you can be both unsuccessful and successful at the same time. So here are some tips on how to achieve this goal. You’re welcome.
1) Never shower. Ever. This one is not for sissies – you can’t shower like once a week. You have to stop cold-turkey. This will ensure that no one will want to get within four feet of you and therefore you will have no friends or life skills. You can Febreze once a month if you must.
2) Develop an obnoxious laugh. I don’t mean like an annoying giggle. I mean full-out, AHHHH MY EARS, please make it stop, even The Nanny is better than this laugh. I would recommend changing pitches frequently and without warning for the ultimate obnoxious laugh. You may also want to throw in some snorting to really seal the deal.
3) Only wear yellow. No one looks good enough in yellow to wear it all the time. And make sure each article of clothing is a different shade of yellow, like one got washed too many times or left in your car. Also consider purchasing yellow sunglasses.
4) Carry a spray bottle with you everywhere you go. Spray people with it as you please. The more important the person the better. Bonus points if you spray a celebrity.
5) Point out flaws in children, especially babies. “Aww, Susie is so cute. Except for her nose – that is just horrifying. Pretty eyes, though. If you like green.” This is really important if you hang out with a lot of mothers.
So there you have it. How to not be successful – a gift from me to you. You might be thinking to yourself, “This isn’t Kristen’s strongest post.” And you’re right. Because I EXCEL at being unsuccessful. Boo-yah.