Hi, I’m Kristen, and I have a problem: I am awkward.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Kristen is so beautiful. She’s great and we love her a lot and we’re going to bring her a ton of candy.” And all that is true. But I am also undeniably, fantastically, almost supernaturally awkward. Most of the time, I am with friends who have either learned to handle my awkwardness or who are very skilled at changing the subject. My friend Jenna is an expert on both.
But work is another story. It’s almost beyond words. As soon as I walk into the doors at work, it’s as if a blanket of SuperAwk (now sold in retail stores worldwide) covers me and renders me powerless to say or do anything that is remotely normal. I attributed it to nerves at first… but it’s been six months. I think we might just have to acknowledge it for what it is.
So to accurately portray to you how awkward my awkwardness is, I have compiled a list of things that I have said to my boss today alone:
- Sorry for my sneeze and its weirdness.
- Sure, I’ll slap you.
- They did a conga line on your desk.
- The Beast looks like my husband.
- Maybe it’s blue thunder.
- I’ll stalk her and see what I can find for you.
So form your own conclusions. But come on. Maybe it’s blue thunder? What does that even mean? I’m the one who said it and I’m not sure what it means.
Now you know the truth. This will probably turn on a light bulb for a few of you. For those who got this memo a long time ago, I thank you for your patience.
PS I read this out loud to Daniel before I posted it, and all he had to say was “Oh. You poor girl.”