I love Dove Chocolate. I try to pretend that I don’t, but the bag of them currently residing in my desk drawer has pretty much let that cat out of the bag, so now I’m just embracing it. This bag came with delicious candies, and printed on the candy wrappers is some good, sound advice for life. By “good, sound advice” I mean “please, nobody follow this unless you’re being held at gunpoint advice.” I have decided to pass the wisdom on to you in the hope that you, too, may learn to appreciate tasty candy but ignore stupidity.
1) Keep the promises you make to yourself
Okay, I think we can all agree that nobody does this. New Year’s Resolutions, anyone? And what if you promise to mass murder at least 75,000 people before the week is over? Or that you’re going to try Beverly at the World of Coke? That’s not helpful to anyone. I think it could at least be modified to say “Keep the legal and non-threatening promises you make to yourself.”
2) Take a deep breath and exhale
This is not life advice. This is direction on how to literally stay alive.
3) Engage, embrace, enjoy
Lather, rinse, repeat. This one is a little vague for my tastes. Engage…I should get engaged? I’m married! SO, Dove, you want me to leave my husband??!! Shame on you. Embrace – I don’t like hugs that much. Okay, that’s a lie. I like hugs but I am the world’s most awkward hugger. So I’m still going to have to give this one a “meh” on the life advice scale. And enjoy what, exactly? The engaging and embracing? Everything? The candy? I do enjoy the candy. That one can stay.
4) Lose yourself in a moment
As someone who gets lost easily, I do not appreciate this. I do not want to lose myself. I like myself. When I can’t find me, I get confused. I eat a lot of ice cream and cry until I come back. Then when I am back, I live in constant fear of losing myself again. It’s a vicious cycle.
5) Love rules, without rules
This makes absolutely no sense. First of all, inserting a comma into random places in a sentence doesn’t make you look smarter. It makes you look like you don’t know how to use a comma. Also, I fail to see what life-altering revelation this will bring you. Love is awesome when you don’t have rules? What rules? Is it rules in general or rules specifically about love? Because if you think being in love with someone can keep you from getting hit by a bus when you jaywalk, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. Or maybe it’s saying “love” and “without” both rule equally. No, that makes less sense than the first thing. I think this could be amended to “Love is great. Look both ways.”
6) Indulge your every whim
Oh, yeah, this is fantastic advice. It’s philosophies like this that have created a world where Britney Spears is a mother.
7) Live your dreams
Dove, if you had any idea what I dreamed about, you would retract this statement immediately. Last night I dreamed I was stuck in an amusement park and wearing wool underwear. Earlier this week I dreamed I got fired from work. Last month I dreamed I had missed Harry Potter coming out in theaters. My dreams suck and I do not want to live them, Dove. What about people who dream they fall of cliffs or are chased by evil bus drivers (last one is mine again)? I doubt anyone wants to spend their life being chased by an evil bus driver in a trench coat.
But the candy is delicious.