The Reverse Stalker

The Reverse Stalker

Have you ever been driving somewhere, and the person in front of you is making all the same turns as you, and even changing lanes with you on the interstate? This happens to me all the time, and a lot more recently. I need to tell you this in case something happens to me. Whoever tells the police this information if I disappear can have all my Gilmore Girls DVDs. But don’t call the police too fast or they’ll think you’re responsible.

I get reverse-stalked all the time. And every time it happens, I work myself into a frenzy thinking that this person is obviously after me because they are mimicking my every move, and they are doing it in front of me, those brazen criminals. It gets to the point that I delay turning on my blinker (my dad will be so proud) just to see if they will still follow me. Sometimes, they still do, and it is at this point that I know I have to drive around in circles looking menacing so the bad guys will figure out that I am on to them – better luck next time, reverse-stalkers.

But SOMETIMES they get even trickier: The minivan that has been subtly reverse-stalking me for the last two miles will suddenly go left as I go right. I think I’ve won and turn up the Star94 90s celebration in my car to reward myself for being so crafty. All is well. And THEN… another car begins to reverse-stalk me. The bad guys, knowing that I have caught on to their plot, are trying to lull me into complacency by making me think I am free of my original stalker, when unbeknownst to me they are using their walkie-talkies (in my scenarios, they always have walkie-talkies) to give each other information on my location. Then, once Bad Guy # 1 has reverse-stalked me long enough that I start to get suspicious, he radios Bad Guy # 2 and tells him it’s his turn. Pretty clever, huh?

At first I couldn’t think of what they could want from me. Until recently, I drove a really crappy car. Like, reeeaally crappy. Like even junk shops were like “whoa, don’t bring that here.” My apartment is the size of a shoe box. My husband is valuable to me but he would be hard to kidnap because he is a fast runner. I was perplexed for ages.

Then it hit me: My DVD collection.

You know how I promised my Gilmore Girls DVDs to whoever tipped the police off to my would-be attacker? Y’all, I have all seven seasons. ALL SEVEN. And I have both the Fantastic Four movies. And Toy Story 3. And the widest selection of old-school Disney you will ever lay eyes upon. How could I have not seen it before? With these golden tickets to happiness just sitting on my bookshelf, how could I not realize that people would do anything to get their hands on them?

So now that I know the problem, I just need to think of a solution. I could ask Daniel to build a menacing gun for the top of my car but that might look weird at the office. I could get a megaphone and shout at the stalker, but on the off-chance they really do live in the same neighborhood at me, that could make seeing our neighbors at the pool awkward. I’ll have to keep thinking and just sleep with all my DVDs in the meantime. And hopefully I’ll come up with something before it’s too late… (dun dun DUNNNN).

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3 thoughts on “The Reverse Stalker

  1. You realize what this means don't you?! You and Jody will no longer be able to be at the same place at the same time!!! Between the two of you, you hold the most complete dvd collection this world has ever seen!!! You will now become like the two guys that hold the two parts of the coka cola recipe. They are to never be at the same place at the same time…. this is going to make our next family get together tricky… here is my plan… put all your dvd's in the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movie cases. Everyone knows those movies are garbage… then all should be safe again.

  2. Haha! That made my day. Tell Jody I said the dog is out for a walk and the eagle has landed… she'll know what it means. I like the Mary Kate and Ashley video idea… I think we'll use the ranch one, since those images are forever branded into my brain. You're a smart cookie, Jaime – join our fight!

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